I hate that word.....

HATE. What a cruel, powerfully ugly word. I do not like to hear it although I’m probably guilty of saying it now and then. But I never say it about anyone. Honestly, I can say I’ve never hated anyone in my life. There aren’t even any foods I hate. I do hate violence, war, abuse, but I still rarely say the word. So when your 5 year old child, whom you love so much it hurts, tells you that he hates you, it’s kind of like a knife to the heart. I’ve heard it on 2 different occasions this week. Both times, I did nothing to deserve it. He made some bad choices, didn’t like the consequences, and got angry with me and said it. It absolutely killed me. He’s been really hard to deal with lately and I know why. The same thing happened with Drew. Going to school all day every day is exhausting, especially when you're 5 and have never done it before. He’s following in the same pattern Drew did when he started. He’s a lot whinier, more argumentative, and less fun to be around. That said, there was still no excuse for him to say that to me. The first time I got an apology. Tonight, I never got a verbal one, but by the way he acted and wanted me to cuddle him so much at bedtime, I think he felt bad. I’ll take that for now. The thing that hurt even more than that was that both times he said that I hated him and didn’t love him. Why in the world would he think that?? Tonight he said part of it was because he wasn’t born first. WHAT?!!?? I feel like I’m missing something here. We show no favoritism with the boys. Yes, Aiden does get more attention sometimes because he’s little and a bit more high maintenance than the older two. On the way to school the other day, he said it wasn’t fair that Aiden got me to himself all day and he wouldn’t get any time alone with me. So I wonder in a way if this is because he misses me?? I’m trying to make special time for the older boys in the evening since they are gone all day. It’s hard, but I need that time with them as much as they do. I’ll try and sit and have a talk with him tomorrow when he isn’t so emotional. I know this will pass and he will get more used to his new routine and new hours and I’ll get my old Noah back. I miss him. I did ask him at bedtime if he loved me and he said "Yes! You know I do!" That made me feel better. I guess he's comfortable enough to know that no matter what is said, he knows that I know he loves me. And I love my little Noah too.